Since being home people ask all the time, "What surprised you most about India?" My answer? I never expected to fall in love.
At SCH there is this thing that happens with foster mamas and volunteers, nearly everyone comes away with what I call an "Indian heart baby". There is usually one child the God uses to tie your heart to India and SCH. When I found out about this upon first moving to SCH I decided this would not be me. I was only going to be there for a year and I was certain that playing "favorites" would do more harm then good, for both the kids and myself. I held out for months. When asked about which kid was "mine" I always said, "They're all mine. I am a nurse to them all." Which was true I enjoyed being able to go to every home everyday and interacting one on one with all the kids differently.
Slowly God started chipping away at my guarded heart with a little boy named "Max" and his "brothers" at Wisdom Home. One day on Skype Sarah akka asked about my attachment to the kids. Tearfully I told her about Max. I told her how I felt like I was failing my purpose and the other kids at SCH by having my heart drawn towards this little boy. Sarah akka, with her depths of wisdom, attempted to ease my soul by saying loving a few well is how we love them all well. I wasn't convinced. I fought harder then ever to keep my heart to myself.
A few weeks later Sarah akka asked me about moving to Hyderabad to be a nurse foster mama to a group of critically ill babies. Again my guard went up. I had been asked to be a foster mama since the first day I sent my application in. And honestly, I was getting a little tired of it. I was living out my passion as a nurse. That's why I came to India. No, I did not want to be a foster mother.
Then in October I received a video of this sickly little boy, SCH first child in Hyderabad. He was stiff as a board (probably stiffer), thin as a rail (probably thinner), gasping for air, with an NG tube down his nose and wide dark frightened eyes. In an instant, it was like God said "You can fight Love but I will not let you win." The dam holding back my heart broke. I was completely, totally in love with this one-year-old warrior boy named Karthik. I was also a little jealous of Gillian who was in Hyderabad at the time and got to hold Karthik first. So I prayed to Jesus asking Him to let Karthik live long enough for me to hold him, even just once.
One mouth and one body aching car ride later I climbed up 3 flights of stairs into this tiny hotel room and asked his Indian nurse, "Where is Karthik?" She pulled back a pile of blankets to reveal this patchy haired crying mess of a baby. I scooped him up and my first thought was, I am going to crush this kid to death. But I knew for certain from that moment, whether I liked it or not, Karthik was my "Indian heart baby."
Over the next weeks and months of being Karthik's nurse mama I discovered the complete opposite of what I had believed, to be true. In allowing my heart to be open to falling in love with Karthik I was able to fall in love with Riley, Dhalia, Gwyneth, Ruby, and Anuragini and so many, many more. I was finally seeing the answer to what I had been praying for since coming to India, to learn how to love well.
Love not only changed my heart, it changed Karthik's as well. Under the love of SCH that includes volunteers, nurses, and ayah's this miracle boy blossomed. He grew from severe malnutrition to a chubby little boy with kissable cheeks and dark curly hair. Karthik went from belly breathing and gasping for air to the boy with a belly laugh that lit up a room. Gone was the frightened look in his eye, replaced with a radiance that only comes from the Giver of Life.
At some point in foster parenting one faces the realization that the children whom you love and fight for day in and day out, are not yours. The ultimate job description of being a foster parent is to care and nurture children until such a time as someone or Someone comes and can do it better. It is the painful side of love and yet, I would contend, the most beautiful.
I had prepared my heart to give Anu back to heaven. But I had prepared my heart for Karthik to become a son to a mommy and daddy who would cherish him and give him a life we at SCH could not.
Once again I find myself so very thankful that His ways are not my ways and that His thoughts are not my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). My heart wish for Karthik to have a family here on this Earth would have still left this warrior boy to battle spastic CP, epilepsy and blindness. And although God's perfect plan for Karthik makes me sad for the moment joy comes in the morning, when I think of this sweet, sweet boy completely, totally healed looking straight into the very face of Love.
"Father, thank you for blessing me with these."
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At SCH there is this thing that happens with foster mamas and volunteers, nearly everyone comes away with what I call an "Indian heart baby". There is usually one child the God uses to tie your heart to India and SCH. When I found out about this upon first moving to SCH I decided this would not be me. I was only going to be there for a year and I was certain that playing "favorites" would do more harm then good, for both the kids and myself. I held out for months. When asked about which kid was "mine" I always said, "They're all mine. I am a nurse to them all." Which was true I enjoyed being able to go to every home everyday and interacting one on one with all the kids differently.
Slowly God started chipping away at my guarded heart with a little boy named "Max" and his "brothers" at Wisdom Home. One day on Skype Sarah akka asked about my attachment to the kids. Tearfully I told her about Max. I told her how I felt like I was failing my purpose and the other kids at SCH by having my heart drawn towards this little boy. Sarah akka, with her depths of wisdom, attempted to ease my soul by saying loving a few well is how we love them all well. I wasn't convinced. I fought harder then ever to keep my heart to myself.
A few weeks later Sarah akka asked me about moving to Hyderabad to be a nurse foster mama to a group of critically ill babies. Again my guard went up. I had been asked to be a foster mama since the first day I sent my application in. And honestly, I was getting a little tired of it. I was living out my passion as a nurse. That's why I came to India. No, I did not want to be a foster mother.
Then in October I received a video of this sickly little boy, SCH first child in Hyderabad. He was stiff as a board (probably stiffer), thin as a rail (probably thinner), gasping for air, with an NG tube down his nose and wide dark frightened eyes. In an instant, it was like God said "You can fight Love but I will not let you win." The dam holding back my heart broke. I was completely, totally in love with this one-year-old warrior boy named Karthik. I was also a little jealous of Gillian who was in Hyderabad at the time and got to hold Karthik first. So I prayed to Jesus asking Him to let Karthik live long enough for me to hold him, even just once.
One mouth and one body aching car ride later I climbed up 3 flights of stairs into this tiny hotel room and asked his Indian nurse, "Where is Karthik?" She pulled back a pile of blankets to reveal this patchy haired crying mess of a baby. I scooped him up and my first thought was, I am going to crush this kid to death. But I knew for certain from that moment, whether I liked it or not, Karthik was my "Indian heart baby."
Over the next weeks and months of being Karthik's nurse mama I discovered the complete opposite of what I had believed, to be true. In allowing my heart to be open to falling in love with Karthik I was able to fall in love with Riley, Dhalia, Gwyneth, Ruby, and Anuragini and so many, many more. I was finally seeing the answer to what I had been praying for since coming to India, to learn how to love well.
Love not only changed my heart, it changed Karthik's as well. Under the love of SCH that includes volunteers, nurses, and ayah's this miracle boy blossomed. He grew from severe malnutrition to a chubby little boy with kissable cheeks and dark curly hair. Karthik went from belly breathing and gasping for air to the boy with a belly laugh that lit up a room. Gone was the frightened look in his eye, replaced with a radiance that only comes from the Giver of Life.
At some point in foster parenting one faces the realization that the children whom you love and fight for day in and day out, are not yours. The ultimate job description of being a foster parent is to care and nurture children until such a time as someone or Someone comes and can do it better. It is the painful side of love and yet, I would contend, the most beautiful.
I had prepared my heart to give Anu back to heaven. But I had prepared my heart for Karthik to become a son to a mommy and daddy who would cherish him and give him a life we at SCH could not.
Once again I find myself so very thankful that His ways are not my ways and that His thoughts are not my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). My heart wish for Karthik to have a family here on this Earth would have still left this warrior boy to battle spastic CP, epilepsy and blindness. And although God's perfect plan for Karthik makes me sad for the moment joy comes in the morning, when I think of this sweet, sweet boy completely, totally healed looking straight into the very face of Love.
"Father, thank you for blessing me with these."
Karthik is a Hindi name that means light and strength
My forever and always favorite most cherished Karthik memory here
He truly blesses His children with wonderful things.
