I was asked recently what my 5 year plan was. Honestly, I chuckled, I stopped making a 5 year plans when God threw a wrench in the last (college made) plan (i.e. wedding, kids, white picket fence, free weekends..) with a year long move to India. But then it me that it's almost October and with it comes the last birthday of my twenties and that has me all emotionally soul searching/reviewing my life. Once again I have come to a place where God has interceded (that's the Christian word) on my perfectly set 5 year plan. And while I am normally a pretty private person, most of you have been on this journey with me so you deserve this blog. Bless you.
A few weeks ago I said goodbye to my heart dream of moving back to India and Sarah's Covenant Home long term. I had spent many months, along with SCH, preparing paperwork for an employment visa, getting a new passport and all things logistics that go along with it. Its the less glamours side of missions life, red tape. When I traveled to SCH in 2013 I went on a tourist visa without any issues. The Indian government has become tighter with inspections of NGOs and as such tighter with allowances on what visa a person working for an NGO has. I knew it would be a long process as I know very few Americans that have procured this type of visa, often with long processes and delays.
After months of waiting and seeing my visa not progress further and always knowing it might never be granted, I was faced with a choice. It was becoming harder and harder for me to live the life God had given to me here while having one foot set in India. It was not a decision made over night it was months of wrestling, praying, tears, shouting and questioning. But now on the other side of saying hard goodbyes I know it was the right decision and my heart is at peace. Although a little achy and bruised. I will always love the children at SCH and will continue to support and advocate for them (sorry Facebook spam will still be happening). It just looks a little different then I thought it would. While it was a long tedious paperwork filled process just to come to the point where I could say goodbye, I know that it had to happen that way. My heart was too stubborn and God had to bring me to a point where I could accept the door had closed.
So now what, you ask. What is the new 5 year plan? Again, I laugh.
I went to see "Let Hope Rise" which is the story Hillsong and Hillsong United. There is a piece of the story where the senior pastors, Brian and Bobbie Houston, go back to the first/original church they started. Its actually this tiny community hall, a far cry from the global church Hillsong is today. They talked about the first three people that responded to an alter call there. They spoke of how that is where the dream of what Hillsong church could be was born. I wanted to ask them would that have been enough. Would it have been enough to preach to 50 people every Sunday and maybe have only three people come forward. Would it have been enough that your son had a steady job selling insurance rather then leading thousands in worship around the world? I hope I already know the answer but sometimes I need to hear from Christians farther along in the journey speak it over me. I am at a point where God is asking me, "If I asked you to be in the PICU and work every other weekend for the rest of your life, would you do it as a service to me? Would you accept that although maybe less exciting and less glamorous then living in India would you accept that calling as you accepted the calling to India, with an open and willing heart? Would this good life I have blessed you with be more then enough to satisfy you with the knowledge that it brings Me glory?" The answer is a working, praying, accepting, yes. (P.S. I have a really good job that I am coming to enjoy FYI)
I have no real experience in saying goodbye to heart dreams. It might have been a lesson I missed in Sunday school. While I know people who have said goodbye to their own dreams well, it's not something we like to think about until we have to. We are always taught to trust that God has a perfect plan for us. But it's a big lesson that my definition of perfect does not always match His.
In short the passion He has given me for medical missions still remains but He is asking me to stay, wait and think that maybe He has a different purpose for this passion.
So the next 5 year plan is to continue to be Covered in the Dust of my Rabbi, wherever He leads.
I am terrible with conclusions (in more ways then one) so I will end with a poem that sums up perfectly where I am right now from my favorite devotional. Thank you for reading, always encouraging and praying. It is a blessing I cannot fully imagine or thank you enough for.
A few weeks ago I said goodbye to my heart dream of moving back to India and Sarah's Covenant Home long term. I had spent many months, along with SCH, preparing paperwork for an employment visa, getting a new passport and all things logistics that go along with it. Its the less glamours side of missions life, red tape. When I traveled to SCH in 2013 I went on a tourist visa without any issues. The Indian government has become tighter with inspections of NGOs and as such tighter with allowances on what visa a person working for an NGO has. I knew it would be a long process as I know very few Americans that have procured this type of visa, often with long processes and delays.
After months of waiting and seeing my visa not progress further and always knowing it might never be granted, I was faced with a choice. It was becoming harder and harder for me to live the life God had given to me here while having one foot set in India. It was not a decision made over night it was months of wrestling, praying, tears, shouting and questioning. But now on the other side of saying hard goodbyes I know it was the right decision and my heart is at peace. Although a little achy and bruised. I will always love the children at SCH and will continue to support and advocate for them (sorry Facebook spam will still be happening). It just looks a little different then I thought it would. While it was a long tedious paperwork filled process just to come to the point where I could say goodbye, I know that it had to happen that way. My heart was too stubborn and God had to bring me to a point where I could accept the door had closed.
So now what, you ask. What is the new 5 year plan? Again, I laugh.
I went to see "Let Hope Rise" which is the story Hillsong and Hillsong United. There is a piece of the story where the senior pastors, Brian and Bobbie Houston, go back to the first/original church they started. Its actually this tiny community hall, a far cry from the global church Hillsong is today. They talked about the first three people that responded to an alter call there. They spoke of how that is where the dream of what Hillsong church could be was born. I wanted to ask them would that have been enough. Would it have been enough to preach to 50 people every Sunday and maybe have only three people come forward. Would it have been enough that your son had a steady job selling insurance rather then leading thousands in worship around the world? I hope I already know the answer but sometimes I need to hear from Christians farther along in the journey speak it over me. I am at a point where God is asking me, "If I asked you to be in the PICU and work every other weekend for the rest of your life, would you do it as a service to me? Would you accept that although maybe less exciting and less glamorous then living in India would you accept that calling as you accepted the calling to India, with an open and willing heart? Would this good life I have blessed you with be more then enough to satisfy you with the knowledge that it brings Me glory?" The answer is a working, praying, accepting, yes. (P.S. I have a really good job that I am coming to enjoy FYI)
I have no real experience in saying goodbye to heart dreams. It might have been a lesson I missed in Sunday school. While I know people who have said goodbye to their own dreams well, it's not something we like to think about until we have to. We are always taught to trust that God has a perfect plan for us. But it's a big lesson that my definition of perfect does not always match His.
In short the passion He has given me for medical missions still remains but He is asking me to stay, wait and think that maybe He has a different purpose for this passion.
So the next 5 year plan is to continue to be Covered in the Dust of my Rabbi, wherever He leads.
I am terrible with conclusions (in more ways then one) so I will end with a poem that sums up perfectly where I am right now from my favorite devotional. Thank you for reading, always encouraging and praying. It is a blessing I cannot fully imagine or thank you enough for.
I'll stay where You've put me; I will, dear Lord,
Though I wanted so badly to go;
I was eager to march with the"'rank and file,"
Yes, I wanted to lead them, You know.
I planned to keep step to the music loud,
To cheer when the banner unfurled,
To stand in the midst of the fight straight and proud,
But I'll stay where You've put me.
"I'll stay where You've put me; I'll work, dear Lord,
Though the field be narrow and small,
And the ground be fallow, and the stones lie thick,
And there seems to be no life at all.
The field is Thine own, only give me the seed,
I'll sow it with never a fear;
I'll till the dry soil while I wait for the rain,
And rejoice when the green blades appear;
I'll work where You've put me.
"I'll stay where You've put me; I will, dear Lord;
I'll bear the day's burden and heat,
Always trusting Thee fully; when even has come
I'll lay heavy sheaves at Thy feet.
And then, when my earth work is ended and done,
In the light of eternity's glow,
Life's record all closed, I surely shall find
It was better to stay than to go;
I'll stay where You've put me.
(From Streams in the Desert)
