For the Cinderellas

The news of the new abortion law has been covered and most have moved on.  While it made my heart sick to read it, I don’t like disagreement or controversy, so I avoided voicing my thoughts. But a nagging voice in my head kept repeating a promise I made 5 years ago to a teeny tiny girl child, whose name means “Beloved”. One night as she slept on my chest, I promised that my voice would no longer be silent in fighting for lives of the unlikely and overlooked princesses and princes of this world. In five years, I have seen and experienced a lot. I am a bit less black/white in my worldview, a bit more jaded, and maybe a bit wiser. My thoughts might a be bit jumbled to some but here is what I believe and the questions I am asking myself.

1)      A person is a person no matter how small, or what sex, or what disability.

2)      There is never ever a reason for a baby (or a fetus, if you must) to be aborted. I work in a hospital that has a level 3 NICU, the highest level of care for the tiniest of patients. The abilities and the technologies that God has given the doctors and nurses in caring for this population is astounding. If for the health of the mother a baby must be born early two things can happen. The baby will not have the ability to survive outside of the womb and will die but naturally, not at the hands of a doctor. Or the baby will need help in those first weeks/months to survive and they are transported to a NICU with the capability to help them. (And yes, I personally know the tumultuous flip side of this wonderful medical technology). But There is no excuse or reason for a human not to be given a fighting chance to tell the story the God has given them to tell for as long as He deems necessary to bring Him glory.

3)      It is so easy to sit at the computer or stand in front of the building and say, “THIS IS WRONG”, “THIS IS MURDER” but do we demonstrate our beliefs with actions. Do we come alongside a mother in crises and say, “I don’t know why you have this hard journey, but you are loved and I will walk it with you.”? Do we support, financially or in service, crises pregnancy centers that offer services to mothers who might not have been ready to be pregnant but are striving to give their babies a chance? Do we support foster care and ethical adoption agencies? Are we willing to be a foster or adoptive parent? Do we support and pray for foster and adoptive families? Do we pray for and support women who have walked a road that includes abortion? Do we say to them you are loved, there is a grace and a forgiveness that is deep and wide enough for any and all wrong and it’s yours for free.”? They say it takes a village to raise a child, we must be that village, not only for the celebrations of when things go right but for the nitty, gritty, messy, ugly moments too.

4)      I am a strong, stubborn single, career women who could possibly be perceived by some to be a feminist. But if to fight for women’s rights means ending the heartbeat of another then I’m out. It cannot be both ways.

I told you it was messy and jumbled. I have learned that the problem of abortion runs far deeper then the moment the baby is killed. I don’t pretend to understand it at all, but I cannot sit silently by and watch. 
*Edit: I am fully aware that any of the choices in this situation are filled with pain and trauma. The decisions and events that lead up to abortion, choosing a surprise/unwanted pregnancy, foster care and adoption all come from a place of pain. Even in the best of circumstances, trauma is involved. I'm very, very sorry if that pain is a part of your story.

On plans, purpose, passion and heart dreams

I was asked recently what my 5 year plan was. Honestly, I chuckled, I stopped making a 5 year  plans when God threw a wrench in the last (college made) plan  (i.e. wedding, kids, white picket fence, free weekends..) with a year long move to India. But then it me that it's almost October and with it comes the last birthday of my twenties and that has me all emotionally soul searching/reviewing my life. Once again I have  come to a place where God has interceded (that's the Christian word) on my perfectly set 5 year plan. And while I am normally a pretty private person, most of you have been on this journey with me so you deserve this blog. Bless you.
A few weeks ago I said goodbye to my heart dream of moving back to India and Sarah's Covenant Home long term. I had spent many months, along with SCH, preparing paperwork for an employment visa, getting a new passport and all things logistics that go along with it. Its the less glamours side of missions life, red tape. When I traveled to SCH in 2013 I went on a tourist visa without any issues. The Indian government has become tighter with inspections of NGOs and as such tighter with allowances on what visa a person working for an NGO has. I knew it would be a long process as I know very few Americans that have procured this type of visa, often with long processes and delays.
After months of waiting and seeing my visa not progress further and always knowing it might never be granted, I was faced with a choice. It was becoming harder and harder for me to live the life God had given to me here while having one foot set in India. It was not a decision made over night it was months of wrestling, praying, tears, shouting and questioning. But now on the other side of saying hard goodbyes I know it was the right decision and my heart is at peace. Although a little achy and bruised. I will always love the children at SCH and will continue to support and advocate for them (sorry Facebook spam will still be happening). It just looks a little different then I thought it would. While it was a long tedious paperwork filled process just to come to the point where I could say goodbye, I know that it had to happen that way. My heart was too stubborn and God had to bring me to a point where I could accept the door had closed.
So now what, you ask. What is the new 5 year plan? Again, I laugh.
I went to see "Let Hope Rise" which is the story Hillsong and Hillsong United. There is a piece of the story where the senior pastors, Brian and Bobbie Houston, go back to the first/original church they started. Its actually this tiny community hall, a far cry from the global church Hillsong is today. They talked about the first three people that responded to an alter call there. They spoke of how that is where the dream of what Hillsong church could be was born. I wanted to ask them would that have been enough. Would it have been enough to preach to 50 people every Sunday and maybe have only three people come forward. Would it have been enough that your son had a steady job selling insurance rather then leading thousands in worship around the world? I hope I already know the answer but sometimes I need to hear from Christians farther along in the journey speak it over me.  I am at a point where God is asking me, "If I asked you to be in the PICU and work every other weekend for the rest of your life, would you do it as a service to me? Would you accept that although maybe less exciting and less glamorous then living in India would you accept that calling as you accepted the calling to India, with an open and willing heart? Would this good life I have blessed you with be more then enough to satisfy you with the knowledge that it brings Me glory?" The answer is a working, praying, accepting, yes. (P.S. I have a really good job that I am coming to enjoy FYI)
I have no real experience in saying goodbye to heart dreams. It might have been a lesson I missed in Sunday school. While I know people who have said goodbye to their own dreams well, it's not something we like to think about until we have to.  We are always taught to trust that God has a perfect plan for us. But it's a big lesson that my definition of perfect does not always match His.
In short the passion He has given me for medical missions still remains but He is asking me to stay, wait and think that maybe He has a different purpose for this passion.
So the next 5 year plan is to continue to be Covered in the Dust of my Rabbi, wherever He leads.
I am terrible with conclusions (in more ways then one) so I will end with a poem that sums up perfectly where I am right now from my favorite devotional. Thank you for reading, always encouraging and praying. It is a blessing I cannot fully imagine or thank you enough for.

I'll stay where You've put me; I will, dear Lord,

     Though I wanted so badly to go;

I was eager to march with the"'rank and file,"

     Yes, I wanted to lead them, You know.

I planned to keep step to the music loud,

     To cheer when the banner unfurled,

To stand in the midst of the fight straight and proud,

     But I'll stay where You've put me.

"I'll stay where You've put me; I'll work, dear Lord,

     Though the field be narrow and small,

And the ground be fallow, and the stones lie thick,

     And there seems to be no life at all.

The field is Thine own, only give me the seed,

     I'll sow it with never a fear;

I'll till the dry soil while I wait for the rain,

      And rejoice when the green blades appear;

I'll work where You've put me.

"I'll stay where You've put me; I will, dear Lord;

     I'll bear the day's burden and heat,

Always trusting Thee fully; when even has come

     I'll lay heavy sheaves at Thy feet.

And then, when my earth work is ended and done,

     In the light of eternity's glow,

Life's record all closed, I surely shall find

     It was better to stay than to go;

I'll stay where You've put me.

(From Streams in the Desert)

There and Back Again

It has been a year, a season. It has been one of chopping, and chipping; breaking and refining. It has been a season that I have desperately wished to end. But what I started out thinking was a period of transition into this home, has revealed it self to be a season of preparation.

 The announcement, as crazy as it is, surprises absolutely no one. Sometime in early 2016 I will be returning back to my India home to work as a nurse Sarah's Covenant Homes long term. "Long term" as in longer then one year. God took my nursing heart and gave it to these special children and I am filled with an amazing joy at the thought of living life with them again.

As excited as I am to be heading back to this place and the children that I love I am in desperate need of prayer. Satan does not like when the "children of Light" follow the Father's leading. He is throwing obstacles of fear, anxiety, fundraising and visas at me faster then I can duck. (And to be honest, I think that is why this blog is fighting me as hard as it is). I will have more formal details with numbers and facts in the coming weeks but all I ask for right now is for prayers for peace and trust. That in this next season of growth I will be able to completly follow the Masters perfect leading and provision; and that I may blossom into a nurse that is more ready for the tasks ahead.

India, are you ready?

The Love that left a mark

 Since being home people ask all the time, "What surprised you most about India?" My answer? I never expected to fall in love.
At SCH there is this thing that happens with foster mamas and volunteers, nearly everyone comes away with what I call an "Indian heart baby". There is usually one child the God uses to tie your heart to India and SCH. When I found out about this upon first moving to SCH I decided this would not be me. I was only going to be there for a year and I was certain that playing "favorites" would do more harm then good, for both the kids and myself. I held out for months. When asked about which kid was "mine" I always said, "They're all mine. I am a nurse to them all." Which was true I enjoyed being able to go to every home everyday and interacting one on one with all the kids differently.
Slowly God started chipping away at my guarded heart with a little boy named "Max" and his "brothers" at Wisdom Home. One day on Skype Sarah akka asked about my attachment to the kids. Tearfully I told her about Max. I told her how I felt like I was failing my purpose and the other kids at SCH by having my heart drawn towards this little boy.  Sarah akka, with her depths of wisdom, attempted to ease my soul by saying loving a few well is how we love them all well. I wasn't convinced. I fought harder then ever to keep my heart to myself.
A few weeks later Sarah akka asked me about moving to Hyderabad to be a nurse foster mama to a group of critically ill babies. Again my guard went up. I had been asked to be a foster mama since the first day I sent my application in. And honestly, I was getting a little tired of it. I was living out my passion as a nurse. That's why I came to India. No, I did not want to be a foster mother.
Then in October I received a video of this sickly little boy, SCH first child in Hyderabad. He was stiff as a board (probably stiffer), thin as a rail (probably thinner), gasping for air, with an NG tube down his nose and wide dark frightened eyes. In an instant, it was like God said "You can fight Love but I will not let you win." The dam holding back my heart broke. I was  completely, totally in love with this one-year-old warrior boy named Karthik. I was also a little jealous of Gillian who was in Hyderabad at the time and got to hold Karthik first. So I prayed to Jesus asking Him to let Karthik live long enough for me to hold him, even just once.
One mouth and one body aching car ride later  I climbed up 3 flights of stairs into this tiny hotel room and asked his Indian nurse, "Where is Karthik?" She pulled back a pile of blankets to reveal this patchy haired crying mess of a baby. I scooped him up and my first thought was, I am going to crush this kid to death. But I knew for certain from that moment, whether I liked it or not, Karthik was my "Indian heart baby."
Over the next weeks and months of being Karthik's nurse mama I discovered the complete opposite of what I had believed, to be true. In allowing my heart to be open to falling in love with Karthik I was able to fall in love with Riley, Dhalia, Gwyneth, Ruby, and Anuragini and so many, many more. I was finally seeing the answer to what I had been praying for since coming to India, to learn how to love well.
Love not only changed my heart, it changed Karthik's as well. Under the love of SCH that includes volunteers, nurses, and ayah's this miracle boy blossomed. He grew from severe malnutrition to a chubby little boy with kissable cheeks and dark curly hair. Karthik went from belly breathing and gasping for air to the boy with a belly laugh that lit up a room. Gone was the frightened look in his eye, replaced with a radiance that only comes from the Giver of Life.
At some point in foster parenting one faces the realization that the children whom you love and fight for day in and day out, are not yours. The ultimate job description of being a foster parent is to care and nurture children until such a time as someone or Someone comes and can do it better. It is the painful side of love and yet, I would contend, the most beautiful.
I had prepared my heart to give Anu back to heaven. But I had prepared my heart for Karthik to become a son to a mommy and daddy who would cherish him and give him a life we at SCH could not.
Once again I find myself so very thankful that His ways are not my ways and that His thoughts are not my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). My heart wish for Karthik to have a family here on this Earth would  have still left this warrior boy to battle spastic CP, epilepsy and blindness. And although God's perfect plan for Karthik makes me sad for the moment joy comes in the morning, when I think of this sweet, sweet  boy completely, totally healed looking straight into the very face of Love.

"Father, thank you for blessing me with these."

Karthik is a Hindi name that means light and strength

My forever and always favorite most cherished Karthik memory here

He truly blesses His children with wonderful things.

 

To Go or Stay

Aside from a one credit class I had to take in college (we went to a Chinese buffet for our final) I have not studied mission-ology. I do not claim to be an expert. I have been blessed to be part of  missions trips both foreign and domestic. I also had the opportunity to represent my organization and lead several short term teams in India. I have seen and participated on short term missions teams that have done more for The Kingdom in 10 days then have been done in 10 years. I have also lead/participated teams that have soured a communities thirst for the gospel. Below are my (rather long) observations on how to make a short term missions trip one of the former and not the latter.

Pray

It may be the most overused term in Christian lingo but it doesn't make it any less true. You aren't going to go to The Amazon without your mosquito repellent and you certainly aren't going to go into battle without your armor. If you read nothing else in this blog READ THIS; Satan hates you and your mission. It doesn't matter if you are going for 10 days or 10 years the devil will stop at nothing to stop you from being the hands and feet of Jesus. I believe that missionaries are some of the most vulnerable Christians to Satan's most viscous  attacks. They are out of their comfort zones, exhausted with jet lag and covered in strange painful rash. Easy targets for discouragement, gossip among teams and selfishness. Just because you are on a mission from God doesn't mean that the things you struggle with at home stays at home. In fact in these magnified experiences your weaknesses become magnified. Pray against these things both for yourself and with your team. Pray and ask God for guiding wisdom in where to go and how He wants you to proceed. Pray for the organization you are going to serve alongside, that you would know how to serve them well.  Pray that even before you know where you are going that He would be preparing your heart for what He has planned. Ask that the entire journey from filling out and application to coming home to your first hot shower in two weeks would glorify Him. Ask others to pray with and for you. They, in a sense, will be going on the journey with you. It takes an army.

Research

This can come in many forms. First research the organization you are serving with. One of the biggest concerns in the anti-short term mission camp is that STMs can cause a lot of irreparable damage for natives in other countries. For example if you felt God calling you to witness to the penguins in Antarctica for 2 weeks and so you got on a southbound plane. When you step off the plane you are surrounded by curious penguins wondering what in the world you are. As you are observing them you realize that the penguins have to work really hard to get fish. You decide after being there for 2 days you are going to build a big fish tank so the penguins don't have to work so hard to eat. Nice of you. The penguins love it and you bored a northbound plane with a full satisfied heart. However, while you are back home on your nice comfy couch the fish tank runs out of fish. The penguins have forgotten how to fend for themselves and starve. You, with all your good intentions and love in your heart, have created a catastrophe. Go with an organization that is native, rooted in the community. A hospital or a church that will be there long after you have gone home. This builds a strong foundation for the relationships that you build to continue and be fruitful. Locals know how to best reach and serve the locals. Plus they can enrich your cultural experience with their knowledge of the area. Make sure you agree and comply with the organization mission/values/goals. Don't go because what they are doing or where they are sounds cool. In order to really serve you have to be able to work with them.
Speaking of culture, research it before going. I am all for adventure but culture shock is real and hard. Whether it be from an American Indian reservation or an African hut, you will feel it in some form. Some people can get stuck in it and end up having it ruining their whole trip. Gain a basic knowledge of what daily life, religion, bathroom practices (you laugh until you realize that it is perfectly normal for men to pee on the side of the road in India) etc. are like in the places you are going. You will still face shock but with research of this new definition of "normal" you can absorb and enjoy the experience more.
Research the place you are going to. I once went on a short term missions trip to Arizona in March. For some reason (I blame nursing midterms...) I packed thinking it was going to be warm spring weather. Like Disney World. Turns out the ministry was on these high platues with whipping wind daily. And there was snow. Needless to say I was freezing for most of the week.

Pack
For all the traveling I have done this is my very least favorite thing (besides unpacking) about going some place. Ugh, if someone ever wants to take this stress from me on my next trip be my guest. Needless to say I have had my share of packing fails (see above). I also tend to be a "what if" packer. Thoughts like "What if Uganda suddenly gets hit with a Polar Vortex? Then I will need this winter parka!" are constantly running through my head. Once you know where you are going  and what you are doing pull everything out and put it in a pile.(Most organizations give you a list of ideas of what to pack/not pack)  Pray for wisdom and guidance. Then pack half of it. Trust me. 

You are already to viewed as extremely wealthy. True or not you were able to stop work for a week, get on an airplane and bring a suitcase that you pay someone else to carry because it is too heavy for you. Most people in the world (including America) earn just enough to get by each day and never leave the place they were born. It can be hard to minister effectively when all people see are the material things you bring with you.
This is not to say that you have to look like a slob for two weeks. Dress appropriately but comfortably. Know the electrical situation. Most countries have different electrical wattage then the US. So either you are going to fry your blow dryer or blow out the fuse for the entire house every time you turn on your curling iron. When you pack ask if what you are packing will make your ministry more effective. Remember this is about serving God, not about you. Represent yourself, and your organization well.

Go Local
When in Rome..... Seriously good advice. Don't expect to get on an airplane fly over the Pacific Ocean for 10 hours and expect to land in America. Not everyone in the world speaks English or has had a McDonald's french fry. Sad, I know. I have watched too many people ruin missions trips by saying things like "this place needs such and such from America", "this wouldn't happen in America" or "I wish they would do this like we do in America". For this season you are not an American, you have left that behind you and you are entitled to nothing. God has called you as His child to love and serve them in their home. Embrace it, learn from it, love it.
Act culturally appropriate. Maybe the best way to illustrate this is with the example of gender roles. In most countries in the world women and men are not viewed as equals Men have jobs/responsibilities that only men can do. Women have things only women can do. Never the two shall meet. As unfair and uncomfortable it may be, respect it. You are only there for two weeks, you are not going to change the cultural mindset in that time. Know what these rules are before you go and help out your organization by following them as best you can. When my parents came to rural India they couldn't hold hands when they walked down the street. Odd but you can handle it. 
Ladies, dress appropriately. In India women can't show their ankles, they wear long shirts that cover their bottoms and shoulders, and a scarf across their fronts. I was stopped and pulled aside a few times as my Indian ayah's corrected what I was wearing. I had ladies on teams brought to me to help explain that what they were wearing was negatively effecting their ministry. This is not the time to exert your independence with your sense of style. American women in India are preconceived as being "loose" and welcoming of unwanted attention (thanks Hollywood). Dressing in Punjabi's and Sari's gives a clear "No!" to those who need it. Don't be offended, just fix it. It is fun to wear something different. Wearing brightly colored and flowing Indian clothes for a year taught me there is beauty in femininity. Embrace it. We all have fun playing dress up once in awhile.
Respect the Christian culture as well. If Christan in the ministry don't play cards, don't play go fish for two weeks. If women cover their heads in church, ladies follow suit. Get out of your comfort zone in relation to worship. Pray in English while everyone else prays in another language. Your concept of an all knowing, all present, God will be blown to bits. Awesome 
Eat local, as much as possible. For most cultures in the world food is a gathering point. You are viewed as a guest and people want to serve you their best local dishes. This is how relationships are formed and how ministry is shared. To refuse an invitation to dine is considered very rude and hurtful to those you are trying to love (note: I am not talking about if the food makes you physically sick. They will understand that) One time when I was in Taiwan two new friends of ours wanted to take us out to eat at their favorite restaurant. It turned out to be this hole in the wall restaurant that doubled as a fishery. The food was horrible and the smell of raw fish was in my nose for days. But the two friends were so excited to be eating a meal with us that I wouldn't have passed it up for the world. (Side note since then I have eaten some of the best food ever in "hole in the wall" places. Just not fisheries....)  Find things you like. Take small portions if you can. Use your best judgement, if the locals are all eating there try it! Pray against food borne illness and enjoy the experience. You are never in your life going to taste better chicken curry then what my Hyderabad cooking auntie makes. If you dive in you may find you enjoy something more then McDonald's (not to mention that Micky D's overseas is extremely expensive!).
From your native contact, learn 5 words or phrases in the native language. I cannot tell you how much I have been blessed from this trick. I know about 3 phrases/words in Hindi total. They all have to do with food (shocker!). When I was eating dinner with my parents in Jaipur, India I tried them out on the waiter at our hotel. He was tickled pink. For the rest of the time he was pointing out things and telling me names. One of the most fun meals in a restaurant to date! It doesn't matter that you butcher words, people know when you are really trying. It goes a long way in showing love but attempting to cross a language barrier.

Love Well
As strange as this sounds, this can be really really hard. Especially with culture shock, jet lag, and sickness thrown in. Expect the unexpected, is the mindset to be in. I once was paired with a team who had come to India to serve in a particular area of ministry. But for one week that ministry sent them to serve with us. We were in desperate need of a deep clean. So we asked the team to spend 3 hours every day for 4 days to give every inch of the house a through clean. They bulked and told me that this was not the ministry they were called to. Needless to say the entire week was a very painful disaster. When you sign up to be follow Jesus calling to missions you submit your will to whatever He has planned. This is true adventure. Submit your will, find joy in the freedom of not being in control, serve well. Even if you spend two weeks cleaning toilets do it with joy as you think of how nice it is for someone to have a clean bathroom. You may never hear a thank you but I promise with a good heart attitude you will leave far more blessed then you came.
Don't bad mouth the organization, even if you don't agree 100% with them. Don't undermine their ministry. If you go down the street handing out $100 bills to everyone you see, then the locals associate foreigners and that ministry with handing out $100 bills. Not the gospel. The organization will be there after you are gone and you may have just ruined their chances with the community in which they live.
Be fully present in your ministry. Know that for all the work you do to prepare to go, the organization has done double to prepare for you insuring that you have everything you need. Thank them.
 Find Jesus in everyone you meet, cover everyone in prayer, physically touch people (if culturally appropriate!), tell them they are loved both with your words and with your actions.

Share
Aka that scary phrase be vunerable. Share your faith and the reasons you are doing this crazy thing with people before you leave home. Share yourself with your team, good and bad.You will be a more effective team. Share yourself and your faith with every single person you meet during your ministry. Even without words. Share with yourself in a journal. It is a blessing to look back over later. Share yourself, your faith and your stories when you come back home. The people that sent you, whether financially or prayerfully, went with you too. It may be hard to explain what God did in two weeks. He is so awesome that it can leave you speechless. Tell them that. Spread the joy. Tell them if it was the hardest two weeks of your life. Find someone who can just sit and listen to you process, or write it out. It won't happen overnight and you may never fully understand all that happened to you or all that God is doing in the ministry. Know that's ok. You have been changed. Radiate it.

Pray
Sound familiar? It probably needs to be posted somewhere in the middle of this very long blog too. Pray for the organization you served with. Pray blessings, protection, and wisdom over them. Pray for the brothers and sisters in Christ you left behind. Follow up with them if you can. Thank God for the experience. Ask Him how He wants you to use this experience to move forward. Pray that He would use this time and you to further His kingdom.

 
 

Stay and Wait

Being home has been nothing like I thought. Sure sometimes the Telugu word comes out before the English one; I waiver between putting money on the counter (India) and handing it to the cashier (America); and I am discovering that I am hording $1 bills, because you never know when you need change for autos.
But for the most part American life fits like a glove. I remembered, without incident, how to drive, I love wearing American clothes and eating American food. All the things I dreaded and feared about coming back to American life has turned into nothing. Including one I didn't ever expect. I always thought the most dreaded question would be, "How was your year/trip?" (still not a great question but.) Surprisingly, for me, the most dreaded question is "How is it to be home?" For I have discovered that I don't know where "home" on this earth is and I am not sure I want to find out.
My all time favourite quote by C.S. Lewis comes from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe,

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

When I first read this quote back in college it meant that no matter what situation, good or horrible, was going on around me God was still sovereign. His plans are and always will be perfect, even if I never see it for myself.
But over the past few years I have come to see something else in this quote and a question formed in my mind. If Jesus (The King) didn't live a "safe" life why should I? It became a sort of mantra for my life.
Safe is a synonym for complacency, not following when God calls us to "Go!" (which I have learned does not always mean moving from point A to B but another time...) Some call living "unsafe", living in abandonment, others (World Racers/Seth Barnes) call it "wrecked for the ordinary". All meaning that once you start living a life outside of yourself for Christ and the Kingdom, you cannot go back.
Moving to India was me following Jesus and living "unsafe". It was clear, direct, crazy and the decision came with an incredible peace. And I am not bragging saying look at me, do what I did. Because following Jesus didn't always mean riding elephants and rocking babies to sleep. To be blunt, there were days, minuets and hours that just plain sucked. Days when I literally thought of packing everything up and moving back to "safe". But when you spend that much time flat on your face completely and totally unable to do a single solitary thing on your own while all the while miracles happen all around you and in spite of you, you lose your taste for "the ordinary".
Then the day came and I was plucked from the still spinning tornado that is SCH (I love them but 130 children=tornado) and placed gently back into tranquil Illinois life. And something happened that has never happened to me before. For the first time in my life I don't know what is next. I don't know what "safe" is any more. Is safe going back to my India family? Or is safe starting over as a nurse here in America? Is unsafe leaving one set of family, friends, community to go to another? Or is it simply staying put?
I knew that I would come back from India changed and it may be that my single greatest challenge of living "unsafe" is to stay and wait.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

The rest of the Q&A

How will you leave the children?
The only way I know how to. The same way I left everyone and everything in my American home; With lots of tears but with peace in my heart, in the hands of their heavenly Daddy.

Will you be going back/why don't you stay?
These are some of the hardest questions for me to answer and, I think, for people to hear. As of right now I don't have any plans to return to SCH. While I need to go home to rest physically, mentally, emotionally and recharge spiritually I don't have a concrete one reason why after that I am not returning.
Part of me feels like I am completing this journey in reverse. When I left America last May people were asking me, "What will you be doing in India?" and "Why are you giving up everything to go for an entire year?" I didn't have an answer to the first question then and I don't have an answer to the same question as I come back to America. In answer to the second question then, was that I am a disciple of Christ and that where he leads me I will follow. As Sarah akka says, "The cloud is moving." As a Christian the answer to the second question, I feel, answers all others and it is the one that brings me peace.
I love my kids, SCH, and India. I am leaving (I think...) with blessings on my journey forward. If I am lead back I will come running.

How many times have you gotten diarrhea?
India's actually call this "motions". And disclaimer, for people like my grandmother, it was an long time nurse tech and an RN (congrats Micah!!) asking this question. We nurses are very transparent about bodily functions.
I have actually only had one day of stomach "issues" in the past year. Glory be to God. Considering some of the food stalls I frequent...well...lets just say I didn't take my mama to them. (but sometimes the most questionable places have the best food.) Nothing beats Indian "street food".
I have, however, acquired every conceivable respiratory tract infection imaginable (minus pneumonia and Legionnaires disease but there is still time...). I thought that since I have worked in a nursing home and a hospital I would have built up all the immunities to this stuff. Children, it seems, bring a whole new ballgame. Oh, and skin infections. I've got those covered too (nothing new there though. Right mama?).

I am sure there are more questions that no body asked but they will have to wait...last blog from this side of the ocean. But there will be more from the other side ;-)

Hyderabad from our roof above the roof.