Being home has been nothing like I thought. Sure sometimes the Telugu word comes out before the English one; I waiver between putting money on the counter (India) and handing it to the cashier (America); and I am discovering that I am hording $1 bills, because you never know when you need change for autos.
But for the most part American life fits like a glove. I remembered, without incident, how to drive, I love wearing American clothes and eating American food. All the things I dreaded and feared about coming back to American life has turned into nothing. Including one I didn't ever expect. I always thought the most dreaded question would be, "How was your year/trip?" (still not a great question but.) Surprisingly, for me, the most dreaded question is "How is it to be home?" For I have discovered that I don't know where "home" on this earth is and I am not sure I want to find out.
My all time favourite quote by C.S. Lewis comes from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe,
“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
When I first read this quote back in college it meant that no matter what situation, good or horrible, was going on around me God was still sovereign. His plans are and always will be perfect, even if I never see it for myself.
But over the past few years I have come to see something else in this quote and a question formed in my mind. If Jesus (The King) didn't live a "safe" life why should I? It became a sort of mantra for my life.
Safe is a synonym for complacency, not following when God calls us to "Go!" (which I have learned does not always mean moving from point A to B but another time...) Some call living "unsafe", living in abandonment, others (World Racers/Seth Barnes) call it "wrecked for the ordinary". All meaning that once you start living a life outside of yourself for Christ and the Kingdom, you cannot go back.
Moving to India was me following Jesus and living "unsafe". It was clear, direct, crazy and the decision came with an incredible peace. And I am not bragging saying look at me, do what I did. Because following Jesus didn't always mean riding elephants and rocking babies to sleep. To be blunt, there were days, minuets and hours that just plain sucked. Days when I literally thought of packing everything up and moving back to "safe". But when you spend that much time flat on your face completely and totally unable to do a single solitary thing on your own while all the while miracles happen all around you and in spite of you, you lose your taste for "the ordinary".
Then the day came and I was plucked from the still spinning tornado that is SCH (I love them but 130 children=tornado) and placed gently back into tranquil Illinois life. And something happened that has never happened to me before. For the first time in my life I don't know what is next. I don't know what "safe" is any more. Is safe going back to my India family? Or is safe starting over as a nurse here in America? Is unsafe leaving one set of family, friends, community to go to another? Or is it simply staying put?
I knew that I would come back from India changed and it may be that my single greatest challenge of living "unsafe" is to stay and wait.
But for the most part American life fits like a glove. I remembered, without incident, how to drive, I love wearing American clothes and eating American food. All the things I dreaded and feared about coming back to American life has turned into nothing. Including one I didn't ever expect. I always thought the most dreaded question would be, "How was your year/trip?" (still not a great question but.) Surprisingly, for me, the most dreaded question is "How is it to be home?" For I have discovered that I don't know where "home" on this earth is and I am not sure I want to find out.
My all time favourite quote by C.S. Lewis comes from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe,
“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
When I first read this quote back in college it meant that no matter what situation, good or horrible, was going on around me God was still sovereign. His plans are and always will be perfect, even if I never see it for myself.
But over the past few years I have come to see something else in this quote and a question formed in my mind. If Jesus (The King) didn't live a "safe" life why should I? It became a sort of mantra for my life.
Safe is a synonym for complacency, not following when God calls us to "Go!" (which I have learned does not always mean moving from point A to B but another time...) Some call living "unsafe", living in abandonment, others (World Racers/Seth Barnes) call it "wrecked for the ordinary". All meaning that once you start living a life outside of yourself for Christ and the Kingdom, you cannot go back.
Moving to India was me following Jesus and living "unsafe". It was clear, direct, crazy and the decision came with an incredible peace. And I am not bragging saying look at me, do what I did. Because following Jesus didn't always mean riding elephants and rocking babies to sleep. To be blunt, there were days, minuets and hours that just plain sucked. Days when I literally thought of packing everything up and moving back to "safe". But when you spend that much time flat on your face completely and totally unable to do a single solitary thing on your own while all the while miracles happen all around you and in spite of you, you lose your taste for "the ordinary".
Then the day came and I was plucked from the still spinning tornado that is SCH (I love them but 130 children=tornado) and placed gently back into tranquil Illinois life. And something happened that has never happened to me before. For the first time in my life I don't know what is next. I don't know what "safe" is any more. Is safe going back to my India family? Or is safe starting over as a nurse here in America? Is unsafe leaving one set of family, friends, community to go to another? Or is it simply staying put?
I knew that I would come back from India changed and it may be that my single greatest challenge of living "unsafe" is to stay and wait.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
No comments:
Post a Comment